Dangers of Au Pair Care
I have been writing about the hidden costs of Au Pair, as well as the dangers of leaving your child with a stranger that may have not been properly screened by the international hiring agency or the American agencies. It appears to be standard policy with many Au Pair agencies to NOT inform new families of any problems the Au Pair had with a previous family, which could lead to a dangerous situation and in essence hold the Au Pair care agency liable for any damage done.
If you read through the nearly 100 families that have commented to my previous blog The High Cost of Au Pair Care, you will see that the system isn't working very well and could use a reform.
I think one of the main problems is that families pay the Au Pair agency all 12 months of the Au Pair fees up front, instead of monthly when they pay the Au Pair. The agency fees are roughly equivalent to what the Au Pair receives. If it was a pay as-you-go-model then it would create an incentive for the agencies to better manage the Au Pair/family relationships and prevent a lot of the problems that are occuring and we read in the posts.
However, this hasn't happened yet.
I felt that a post by Monica Briens to my previous blog should be highlighted
Monica Briens is calling for more governmental reguation, which might solve the problem another way. If you are interested in participating please contact Monica directly at monica.briens@gmail.com. Please keep this post updated with any of your comments so that the public can stay aware of the progress.
My goal is to help the Au Pair system THRIVE and allow Au Pairs, Families and children to build loving relationships. Perhaps this blog will help figure out a way for that to happen. As it is now, the Au Pair system appears to be flawed. However, with a little help, we can work together to fix it so everyone benefits.
Monica's Post:
I just found this blog now, and would like to ask if anyone would be interested in commenting on a piece we are putting together around some of the systemic issues across au pair programs. Some of the issues are serious.
Specifically, this is a piece on a number of federal government regulators and how they lack the manpower, authority, and management required to govern the entities they are charged with overseeing. The State Department and the cultural exchange program is my beat. With the election year, politicians have addressed the program issues regarding illegal immigration for which the au pair program has been identified as a path for illegal immigration.
Additionally, other systemic program issues have been raised such as child welfare issues, negative impacts to U.S. diplomacy and false advertising practices locally and abroad. Questionable profit driving methods that compromise child safety have also been raised. Many charge this a money making program, quite in contrast to the cultural exchange program for which the agency's receive a privledged status of from Congress.
There is talk on the hill regarding changing program status and this is the motivation for the coverage.
If you would like to comment in any way, or have any information you'd like to share, please email me at:
monica.briens@gmail.com
posted by Ms.Money @ 9:44 AM
24 Comments
24 Comments:
Hi,
I was Au Pair for 2 years and I personaly had a great experience, especialy my first year. But all other girls that were in my area before me or came after had many problems with their families and vice versa. Girls were overworked, they wouldn't get extra money for extra hours, they all would stay with kids while parents are away on business trips for several days and again they wouldn't be payed or they would get something that you would give to the poor on the street. Girls would go out all the time partying and when is time for work they are not capable to do anything.
All program is just a mess. Instead of beeing great experience for children, parents and au pairs this all thing is turning into nite mare.
We have been host parents 3 times so far using Au Pair Care. All three ended up in re-match, despite our best efforts. We were naive the first time, and we matched with a 25 year old au pair from Japan to care for our 3 month old son and our 3 year old son. She was an 'elite' candidate, which was supposed to mean she had experience with infants. Once she arrived, she jumped in right away with our 3 year old, but avoided our baby for several days. We asked her to be more involved since she would have to be able to care for both children, and she admitted she was scared to care for a baby, and that she had lied about her experience with infants. Rematch after 2 weeks. We did not have time to start the process again, and decided to use other child care until both boys were older. When our children were 2 years old and 5 years old, we tried Au Pair Care again. We selected a 25 year old girl from Peru. Her application boasted about all of her experience teaching, and babysitting, and she portrayed herself as very outgoing and energetic during the interview. We realized once she arrived that we were snowed. She was agoraphobic, and she refused to take the boys outside to play. Ever. She claimed she was afraid that if they went outside they would be recruited by gang members and lead a bad life. (We live in the suburbs). She spend between 5-15 hours per day on the telephone calling Peru, and hid in her bedroom during all of her off-duty time, sitting in the dark, binging on junk food, talking on the telephone. We told her the boys had to go outside and play for their health. She said she was raised to stay in the house everyday and never go outside. In a word, she was LAZY. One day she called us at work, crying, telling us our 3 year old refused to come inside the house, and was sitting in his stroller in the garage (it was 15 degrees outside and very cold). She asked if it was okay to just leave him there for his nap until we came home 3 hours later? Another day, we caught her trying to bribe our son with a candy bar to go up to his room and take a nap. She did not know the first thing about using the most basic household appliances, from a toaster, to a washing machine or dryer, to a vacuum cleaner. She did not even know what the word for mop was, in English or Spanish. She would leave our children unsupervised while they were eating alone in the kitchen, while she was in her bedroom on the telephone. She lasted 5 weeks. Au Pair Care allowed her to rematch with a different family. Sadly, we came to this decision during the holidays, and the company rep's did not want to have their holiday plans ruined, so we had to pay for a plane ticket for her to stay with relatives (non-reimbursable expense) so we could transition to a new au pair without drama. Our third au pair came from re-match. She was with her original host family for one week before the host family requested rematch. The au pair told us the problem was a "personality conflict". We were stuck, and had just sent the Peruvian au pair off on an airplane. This girl was a 22 year old from Brazil. We felt we had learned many things from our mistakes with the first two girls, and we interviewed the Brazilian for over two hours with many, many questions, which she answered very well. Does she have the energy to keep up with two very busy boys? Of course, she said. Can she do arts and craft projects with the boys on a rainy day? Sure she can! Is she family oriented? Of course! Does she hang out at the night clubs all weekend long, every weekend? NO! She would never do that! We requested a match with her. She arrived two days before Christmas. By New Year's Eve, she was fully immersed in the Brazilian social network in Northern Virginia/DC/Maryland. She was gone, every weekend, all weekend, at the clubs, partying with friends. She ran out the door the minute one of us came home, and was gone until curfew-- sometimes later. She refused to spend any family time with us, even holidays, and preferred to party with her friends on Mother's Day, Father's Day, Easter, family birthdays, etc.. She requested vacation, which we approved, and we made our own plans to vacation during the same time, since we were the only child care back up when she was gone. Her plans fell through when her friends backed out, but our plans were already booked and paid for. She was upset that we didn't allow her to renistate her vacation and go with us, and cause us to have to take more time off for her new vacation plans later i the summer, which was time we did not have to take off from our jobs. She complained to all her friends and our neighbors about how poorly we treated her while we were gone. She was never asked to work over 40 hours per week--EVER. She even refused to work one Sunday when we had to attend a parent's only open house at our son's school, because she had social plans with the "girls" (Brazilian au pair network). She had every holiday off, was paid in full every week on time. She never made an attempt to be a part of our family and treated us with so much ingratitude and disprespect we were dumbfounded. Her weekend nightlife caught up with her, and caused her to wreck our truck while driving the kids to the bus stop one day. She failed to notice a parked car behind her when she backed out of the driveway (less than 20 feet), despite the fact that a camera displays objects behind the car on the large screen in the vehicle, which is augmented by a loud beeping sound as you approach the object. She did 3 thousand dollars worth of damage to both vehicles. We fixed these messes and gave her another chance. We did not want her driving the children for awhile, which meant no summer outings. She was very angry about this and once again complaned to all of our neighbors about us and how she is 'cooped up' in the house everyday. The final straw was when she made plans to attend a rock concert without telling us, and then stayed out way past curfew. We knew she was in no shape to care for children the next day, so we had to take time off to let her sleep, to ensure our children were in good hands. We decided that her reasons for being an au pair were to socialize first and foremost and not to take care of our children. Our kids would beg her to watch them play a 30 minute soccer game, or go to a karate tournament. She refused to go if it was outside her work shift. After 9 months, we called it quits with her, and decided after three srikes with Au Pair Care, that we wanted to go with a company that might do a better job screening applicants, and verifying their child care information. The Brazilian will go to her 3rd host family in less than one year's time, since she is deemed suitable to have another chance by Au Pair Care. We feel that a few things should change with regard to this program:
1) A psychological test should be mandatory. Are they able to adjust to a new culture? Are they suitable, mentally, to care for children? Results should be made available to host parents.
2) The application should be changed. I really don't care if they like to play badmitton or go bowling. The questions should be open-ended fill in the blank questions that get to the heart of their experience. How have you handled a child's tantrum.., etc. They should have to have a verifier for each of their responses, whom host parents can contact. This also might help assess their English language skills better.
3) If an au pair goes into rematch, potential host parents should be able to talk to the previous host parents, instead of taking the word of a young girl who may be trying to cover up mistakes she made or safety issues she caused with the children.
We like to think we have tried very hard to be good host parents, and we have bent over backwards to make our au pairs feel at home with us. We never asked them to be maids or servants, and we never took advantage of them. We followed the rules. They lied to us. We fell in love with the cultural exchange idea, and still hope we can find that match out there who will love our kids, and enjoy this family, and the opportunity to experience our culture. We will try with a new company one more time and see if we can experience success without getting jaded.
Oh my gosh, reading your story, hostmom was like reliving my issues w/au paircare. They absolutely don't care about anything but keeping au pairs in their pool to choose from. If you would like any input, I would be happy to assist. I went thru it 4x in 1 yr due to lies via omission or flat out.
I have had 6 au pairs , 2 companies, all the same. I can match and top your stories. It is always about the money which when the co. gets all their money upfront it enables bad behavior... the au pair org enabe bad behavior among the girls. Girls will leave you in a minute once they get comfortable & have planned to stay illegally anyway. They black mail and manipulate.. My first au pair was an anomoly, she was wonderful.. which sucked us in for 5 not so great ones after that...
Hi.
I am currently an au pair in California, and currently like "anonymous", have been lucky to have matched up with a good family.
I'd like to comment on the au pair side of the fence, as well as the host family side.
First off, the ads for au pairing are ABSOLUTELY misleading. It says "experience American culture", study, and travel, plus earn lots of money.
When it comes to money, I feel au pairs are being monopolized. We work for 45 hours a week, do not have public holidays, have only two weeks paid vacation and are currently earning an amount of 170 odd dollars a week. When it comes to expenses, this amount feels more like an allowance than pay for 45 hours.
Some families live in areas where there is no public transport, and au pairs have to pay for the gas to get to places, that is if they are allowed to drive the car other than for work purposes.
Some au pairs do not have a work schedule at all, and families just inform them the night before, or that very morning about plans for the day.
As 'anonymous' mentioned, there are au pairs who are asked to work longer hours, but they don't get paid. There are au pairs whose host parents suddenly expect them to do all the family laundry, do the dishes, clean the house, when an au pair's duty is to the kids.
There are even host parents who override the au pair's rules with the kids, e.g. Au pair Jenny asks the kids to put their toys away. The kids start crying, and Host mom says that they can leave the toys and it's okay.
How is an au pair supposed to do her job when her commands are overridden by the host parents?
I am not saying that all au pairs are perfect. I have met a few questionable ones myself. I do feel however, that if the pay was better, and public holidays applied, then things would be much better.
And speaking of public holidays- doesn't this add to the cultural exchange that au pair companies advertise? If an au pair is supposed to work during these times, how on earth do they experience the exchange? Halloween is this Friday- how many au pairs will be working the night because the host family wants to go to a party? I bet quite a few.
I personally have had the chance to experience the "Starbucks, McDonald's, Safeway, Target and Costco" of American Culture. Is this what we're really supposed to take back with us? Because they didn't have enough holidays to travel, or didn't have transport, or had to work, that's all they really did. Go to really inexpensive stores and wander around.
I know I'm putting out bad scenarios here, but au pairs are really excited about coming to America and experiencing the life. They aren't told when they sign up that their life will be more work, less pay and less play. They imagine that what little money they earn will be enough to do everything that they dream of doing here, and save enough too. I wanted to go state hopping during my vacation, and not spend just a day in each state, but two or three, even a week if possible and experience what life is like there. Sadly, that isn't possible.
The other aspect is education. It is expensive. Extremely so. Au pairs are asked to do 6 credits or 60 hours of education. Most au pairs come to improve their English with classes, but because of the limited amount of money the family is required to contribute, au pairs end up paying for the rest. I was fortunate. My family paid for all my classes, although, because of my tough schedule, I had to limit myself to classes on my free days. Not so nice, but I didn't mind. I really appreciated the fact that they realized my salary wasn't sustainable, and that I needed assistance.
My friend's couldn't afford the English classes, and had to take French classes instead, where they still had to fork out three weeks worth of pay for classes and books. Not so nice either.
What is the point of advertising "study in the US" when whatever it is you're studying, is not what you really wanted to study, but you have to because you won't get your plane ticket to go back home if you don't?
I agree with 'hostmom' about the screening of things by the agency.
Potential au pairs should be screened rigorously by the agency (potential families as well). They should not just go through a psychological test where they circle obvious answers on a piece of paper, but a verbal test with a counsellor. They also should have their blood tested for diseases and pregnancy.
Of course it's their personal right to not do it, and if they refuse, then they need not continue with the application. Host families need to know if their potential au pair has HIV or some virus or disease that can be transmitted to their kids. Also, not to discriminate against pregnant women, how can au pairs who are pregnant become au pairs???
If I had to decide again whether I would become an au pair or not, I would say no. I work my ass off, love the kids and the host parents, but the hours of work, the lack of holidays, and the limitations are not worth it. In my ideal world, an au pair should be given a month worth of paid traveling, three months worth of unpaid traveling, have minimum wage pay, get paid for over-time (and be allowed to do over-time and that their classes are all paid for.
As for the host families, if the application says "baby-sitting" please don't expect the au pair to be an expert. Most of us have done no training at all, and the extent of baby sitting was slapping together a sandwich for the kid, watch tv while the kid sleeps and you wait for the parents to come home.
The Au Pair Care system is most certainly broken. Our experience left my family wondering if both the au pairs and host families were not being victimized by this organization. The costs are misleading. Little recourse is left to host families left in the lurch by unqualified, or under-motivated, care givers. In our case, our au pair left on very little notice to return to her home country (Brazil) with several months left on our contract. Au Pair Care, who coincidentally had already collected ALL of their fees, gave us the option to "find another girl." They have the right to do precisely this by their contract (which appears to have been written by an entire room full of New York lawyers, and this is a compliment as it appears quite ironclad) that was waved in our face with a comment of "if you don't want to (go thru the time, trouble, and disruption) of another match, then walk!"
This was the culmination of a tragic saga with the Au Pair Care organization. We made an overt effort to welcome our au pair as part of our family and did so by providing her with her own room, private bath, her own car (with a gas card), her own cell phone, gym membership, and lap top computer. Our generosity was met with lackluster performance, a generally negative attitude and a distance that completely undermined our hope that our children may benefit and learn from a person hailing from a background different than their own. The entire matter was further veiled in a cloud of mystery in that the Au Pair Care Regional Director provided NO ORIENTATION WHATSOEVER for either the au pair, or for us as the host family. No ground rules, no guidance, no support, no returned phone calls...and this can all be yours for only several thousand dollars each year IN ADDITION to the thousands you will spend each year supporting for and paying your au pair!
Perhaps there exist better au pair programs than Au Pair Care. I have a hard time beleiving that there are any much worse, at least in North America. I would urge anyone considering Au Pair Care as an agency to carefully weigh any, and all, other options before committing to a course with their program. We read the blogs before we "took the plunge," and found some negative commentary, which we immediately wrote off as exceptions. If you are a potential consumer of Au Pair Care's services and you find yourself reading this post, be warned that I was in your position not long ago, and am much the worse for wear as a result of not believing similar posts to this one.
This is just a brief capsule of my/our personal experiences with Au Pair Care and do not begin to scratch the surface of the problems experienced by our family, and families like ours, that have had the grave misfortune of having been duped by Au Pair Care.
I was a counselor for more than 10 years at one of the leading agencies. 80% of the young women who were placed in families were competent, mature and responsible. That means they were "Mentally stable and had good Mental Health." This is what mature and competent and responsible means. The other 20% were not mentally stable - many arrived with issues and the stress of being in a new culture, without family and familiar surroundings often triggered psychiatric sypmtoms and mental disorders: depression, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, bi-polar disorders, personality disorders, psychosis and avoidant behavior.
Warning signs of these disorders are: sleeping too much; not sleeping enough; high levels of activity and racing speech and thoughts; isolation from others (staying in room when off from duty, refusing to meet other au pairs or to attend college or monthly meetings, etc.), crying in her room; uncommunicative with family; forgetting errands and duties, inabilty to carry out her chores, etc.
The agenices are quite aware of the 20% coming through the screening (which is minimal psychometric paper and pencil testing) and they try to "manage" these girls as best as they can with no training or mental health policy for the staff. If the cannot "fix" the problem in the home, they will try and rematch the girl over and over with other families (which just adds to the girl's stress levels) until finally something happens and they quickly send her home.
You may ask, why don't they send these girls home right away? Financial reasons, the bottom line, of course. It is a financial debit if the girl leaves before her 12 month contract is up. With the rising costs of oil and flying her over here to the USA, they are trying to keep the 20% longer which is a significant change in the industry and can mean disruption and havoc for unsuspecting host families.
There is mandated psychological screening (Dept. of State requires it) done by the agenices, but it is a pencil and paper test that may not reveal psychopathology at the time of the screening. Underlying mental health issues can be triggered by the stress of leaving home and being in a new country - then we see the problems manifest themselves.
What can a family do? Look for warning signs of mental instablity: crying, not eating, eating too much, hiding food in her room, staying in her room after work, not wanting to go out, listless behavior, not showering and disheveled appearance, manic behavior such as not sleeping, racing speech, odd and eccentric behavior, high levels of activity that is not typical of her in the past.
If you suspect any problems that need attention, call your agency and local representative and demand they look into this - you may have to ask them to take the au pair to a doctor who can evaluate her. If she has a mental disorder, ask for her to be removed from your home and demand another au pair or switch programs.
Agencies will want to keep her and will try and "fix" the problem before taking her for an evaluation, but be firm and professional and tell them that you still want the appointment, if they refuse, take her yourself to a doctor you trust, or make an appointment with a psychiatrist and go with the girl, have her sign a release so you can speak to the doctor yourself. The doctor will then instruct you what to do.
Do NOT try and keep the girl while the doctor is treating her - anti-depressant medication can take up to 4-6 weeks to take effect; psychotic symptoms can present safety issues for her and your family. Make sure that you are clear with your agency: you have a diagnosis, you want them to take the girl from your home and make sure they do not rematch with another family - have them take her to a safe environment where she can be stabilized and then sent home.
Trust your instincts and intuition - you probably know that there is something wrong but your agency may be telling you it is "cultural shock" which it can be - but if sypmptoms continue for more than 30 days, get help from a professsional, with our without the agency's assistance.
Kate
Wow, it looks like the things have not changed much with AuPairCare. We used AuPair Care 10 years ago, in 1998 and we had two horrible experiences in one year. They were both from Japan. I am originally from Japan myself and I thought I would like someone who can speak Japanese for my 2 1/2 year old son at the time. The first one lasted 4 weeks after we discovered that she was using our home business computers while we were not there.
We had designated a computer as her own so the au pair could email friends. Well, our regular high school sitter found the au pair using our computers while she was babysitting because the au pair had the night off. The au pair lied to the sitter saying that she had a free use of our computers. This babysitter who knew us well told us about the situation. We waited for the au pair to come forward to tell us. We gave her a chance to be honest with us. These PCs contained information that was critical to our business that we had forbidden her to use them. We gave the agency rep that we were giving her a week. She never came forward. So we asked the agency rep to pick her up and pack her things without any warning. She had broken our trust. To our surprise, she re-matched right away with another family. I had expected her to be sent back because of her conduct. Then we waited and searched and re-matched with another one. We paid for that 4weeks with the first au pair so the new au pair can be with us for 12 months.
The first month, the new au pair smashed our car against the fence across the street. Later we found out that she had written to her friend that she didn't hit the brake since she wasn't sure which pedal was the brake! We thought it was an accident and didn't blame her. We repaired it ourselves. Then 2 months into her stay, I caught her feeding my son a very moldy wheat bread that was toasted. My office was in the basement of our house. For a break, I would come up to the kitchen to get a cup of coffe or tea. I screamed looking at what she served on his plate. She said she was very sleepy and didn't realize the mold on the bread. I warned her that this can't go on. Then she started breaking my precious dishes one by one. All 4 out of 5 tea set is gone in a few months because she "accidentally" broke them. I believed her back then too. But now after 10 years I realized she used it to get her frustration out, given the fact that the other tea set is used by me and has not been broken at all.
Once during the summer she made a bad judgment in not telling us that our son got splashed with lots of sand in his eyes at the playground. That evening we noticed his eyes were bloody. We immediately took him to the hospital to have the eyes checked. We were lucky. His retina could have been scratched and he could have damaged his eyes. She didn't think it was that important to tell us. We drilled in her any small incident should be communicated to us. She could not use the language as the excuse. I spoke the same language.
She began to make cheesecake often. We thought it was nice in the beginning. She would come along with us to the grocery store and put the cheesecake ingredients in my cart. Then we noticed she baked the cheesecake for us ONCE. We thought it was a nice gesture. Then she baked many times more only for them to disappear with her to wherever she was going. She started talking about selling her cheesecake to make money. We told her to go for it but we asked her to buy the ingredients herself.
Like many of the host families experienced, she stayed in her room during off hours. She took out her frustration on my son when she broke up with her "boyfriend" she met in Nevada. I said, "Wait! How long did you know him before you got together with him that night?" She said, "I just met him that day but he said he cared about me." Of course once she got back to our house, she never heard from him again. Hence she got nasty toward our 3 year old son. We wondered at this point if we say bye-bye to her but we were naive. We thought she would "grow up" Then shortly after while she was still in this broken-hearted mode, she totaled our car. I happened to be driving in front of her since we were taking her car to the service. Witnesses said she suddenly stopped for a no reason and got smashed from behind. Luckily no one got injured. We were ready to let her go. She begged us to let her stay since she would get the $500 bonus if she completed her 12 months with us. Again, we were naive and dumb. We allowed her to stay. At the very end, she gave us a thank you card that said, "Thank you from the bottom of my butt."
I kept that card to remind us how stupid we were to allow her to stay with us for so long and how naive we were thinking she'd grow up. Later we found out from the stuff she left here that she was a heavy smoker even though we had requested a non-smoker. Time after time when she smelled of smoke she told us a friend (another au pair) smoked and she was with her all night and that's why smelled like smoke. We believed her.
In all, if you can avoid an au pair, please do. After two au pairs, I found a woman who comes to my house 3 days a week and she cooked too! She turned into somewhat of a substitute grandmother. For the other 2 days, I used college kids heavily for my second child who is now 5. She never got exposed to an au pair, therefore she had very little TV time. I had instructed college kids NO TV during babysitting.
Remember I am from Japan originally myself. I have spoken to my friend in Japan about my experience and she told me that I was selecting caretaker of my son from bottom of the scum of Japan. She said decent girls who want to come to the States to learn the language would work hard, save money and go straight to a language school or a university. The ones who scheme up to come here and have fun AND to get paid can't be decent.
This 2nd au pair, the smoker, did end up coming back as a tourist and then became a student at a community college (which by the way does not provide a student visa). I found out that she got married 2 years after she got back to the States. She had told me that marrying an American was part of her plan. Her friend, another au pair from an Eastern Europe went missing 3 weeks before she was to return to her country. She fled to another state so she didn’t have to go back. She basically became an illegal immigrant.
The au pair agency rep in our area treated us like we were the bad people. Once our son was old enough for the elementary school and got to know some other moms, they told us that the second au pair didn't watch our son at the playground. These moms didn't know who the mom (me) was so they couldn't tell me. She apparently concentrated on speaking and practicing English with adults.
Oh it still hurts thinking about what happened to us with the au pairs. I thought about the au pairs and about the AupairCare agency since my husband and I just found the box she left here and never picked up after she returned to this town.
AuPairCare never worked for us. You may get to be the lucky one with an honest, hard working au pair with the integrity. But the trouble is, she has to like you too. Besides, they were not mature enough to make important decisions for our son when they are on their own.
Sincerely,
Japanese mom in mid-west who is sorry for using au pairs from Japan Jan. 12, 2009
We are on the verge of hiring and I just sat down to apply with Au Pair Care for a nanny w/ special needs training. I am, needless to say, now feeling uneasy and wondering what experiences you may heve had with such an au pair. Anybody out there willing to share? We dearly need your help!!!
Thanks so much!
If you are wondering if you should hire an au pair and are getting nervous, please visit my website: aupairclearinghouse.com. We provide free advice and information on the au pair industry. I have worked in the industry for over 10 years and when I retired I started a website to help parents to make good decisions about hiring an au pair and to provide them with information the au pair agencies do NOT!
Check it out and see what you think - we also list our Top Three Picks for 2009.
I am so happy to find this BLOG. I've been a host parent since 2000. The stories that I could tell you would make your hair curl. The aupairs need to be screened better by the agency and the agency in the other area should make sure they are only sending over aupairs that truely love children and want to care and live in a family home and be part of a family. Most of the aupairs I've gotten get here and want to take the car and party.
I had one aupair come over and want to leave after 1 week because I had to many children. The number of children is on the application and they know the dynamics of the family before getting here.
I'm tried of the agency just bringing them over here for another family to take them.
There should be something where the agency should be able to offer more support and provide back up aupairs or temporary child care money to the host families when the aupairs want to go to another area of the country.
There should be more regulation when aupairs come over here then they leave the host family and disapear some where in the US.
I've contacted the agency when this has happened and they say the contact the government and get the j-1 visa revoked.
When this happens this leaves my family without income and fees to pay for another aupair.
I think the amount of time should be changed from 45 hours to 50 hours most family who work must travel upto 1.5 hours to work and home from work.
I love how au pairs are complaining about their allowance.In my case they get a nice room with a private bathroom, a cell phone and a car. I had two wonderful au pairs and one them actually worked more hours without me ever asking her. After that i had two horrible au pairs. One of them lied about her drivign skills and actually ran into a cop car her first time out. The second one wasn't interested in children or working. She used up 250 minutes on the cell phone. Now I have a brazilian au pair who has absolutely no personality and the only words i hear from her are "can i have a computer". Her room is cleaned every week and she never does anything without me asking her. I fired her today. Yes i feel like the au pair agencies don't screen the au pairs and don't tell them that they have it made here. They have no bills to pay and if they choose to spend their money on food or partying that is really their problem. When you don't have rent to pay or gas to cover you have no clue. Also, do they expect families to cook and clean for them? what is this about not participating in light house hold duties. If you can't do that then you need to go out and find a job, get paid and pay your own bills. I think for majority of people au pairs are a waste of time and frankly a huge advertisement. You end of spending a lot more in training, classes and other crap. These are girls who come here to party. My brazilian au pair only looked enthusiastic when she was going out and she only worked about 35 hours a week. Yes i told her to do the laundry for the family but she did that in exchange for having her room cleaned. Also, i realized later that she was stashing all my children's food in her room! Great way to pay back a host family who actually treats you with respect. Please step off your high horse and don't join the program if you are not willing to join a family and live like a family member.
Please do not get an au pair. It is torture. THis is coming from someone who had two wonderful au pairs and 3 horrible ones. The whole program sucks and frankly costs a lot more money in the end. Get a nanny, someone local you can meet and interview.
I am on my third au pair and have had a mix of experiences. You get what you pay for. We have chalked it up to the fact that girls that sign up for this kind of program are generally not the kind of girls that are heading to medical school. That does not mean that you can't find a sweet caring individual to take care of your kids. They generally just need clear unambiguous direction. This can be frustrating for those of us who expect that this is a pretty easy gig - but like I said, you generally aren't getting the brightest girls. I find that detailed directions are helpful. My last note is to avoid Brazilian au pairs. I hate to be the person to throw that out there - but experience has undeniably shown that they are the ones that will be out all night, partying and they generally have the poorest work ethic. Wonderful culture - just not the ones you want caring for your kids or living in your home.
overall, I have had good au pairs, but from some of the comments from the au pairs.. I get the sense that many don't realize the intangibles that host families provide.. It costs A LOT of money to pay for housing, car insurance and maintenance, electricity, gas, water, food, and household necessities that au pairs take for granted.. some of them fixate on the stipend that they get may seem less than minimum wage, but especially in this economy.. the money they make WITH NO LIVING expenses is pretty damn good.. Most of the rest of us with decent paying jobs, all the taxes and other expenses live from pay check to pay check after paying for all the living expenses..
I have loved my au pairs.. but I wish they wouldn't compare on blogs to nanny wages etc.. when they don't realize the money they get after living expenses is pretty damn good and should be grateful if they get any other privileges such as car use, etc.. because it costs the family a ton of money to provide all the living expenses.
Just some thoughts
I see that many host parents and au pairs had bad experiences with the cultural exchange program.
There are many reasons for this - one is "expectations" where families expect cheap babysitters who work 10 hours a day and au pairs expect to babysit and "help-out" a bit in between travel!
Many au pairs are recruited by glossy brochures that look more like travel packets. They often arrive with little or no childcare experience and they do not realize the work they have to do!
Being an au pair is hard work most of the time - staying with children for 8-10 hours a day is hard for 30 something mothers, can you imagine what it is like for young girls? Very difficult. They are often disillusioned when they arrive and find they must watch children who are often bored and misbehaved and cry for their mothers.
For the most part, the majority of au pairs do settle in and do the work. I have known wonderful girls from all over the world who loved being in America and their host families. Au pair childcare does work, otherwise agencies would have gone out of business a long time ago.
So, what is a parent to do? Read and educate yourself on the program. Don't count on the au pair agencies to fill in the gaps since they count on your not knowing all that much about how the au pair industry is run.
Check out www.aupairclearinghouse.com, the first and only national consumer information website where you will find reviews on all 12 agencies designated by the U.S. Department of State and current news stories and advice from a staff of professionals who worked in the industry for over 20 years!
You can also register your complaints and hopefully, your testimonials so host families can share in your experiences.
Edina Stone
Founder & CEO
www.aupairclearinghouse.com
Has anyone had any experience with Au Pair USA? Any feedback you can provide... good or bad would be helpful.
How does a family deal with an au pair that has not only broken many of the significant "house rules" but also the law itself? Can the agency still hold your money and force you to pay out the rest if the au pair's term?
Hi, today I found this page, I read all the stories and I decided I will tell you my story. I used to be an aupair, too. I am from the Czech republic and I think I can say I am not one of those princesses who come to America to get their american dream - a rich husband with a car and a nice house. When I came to USA I was 24 years old and I left America as 26 years old woman with lots of lifetime lasting experiences. I changed a host family once - I just didn't click together with my host family. I think I can blame myself - I was afraid to talk to them about the stuff what makes me unhappy, because I was afraid what they will say and that they will hate me….. I changed a family after 4 months of trying to get things better... My second family was just great. I came there in January. I loved to spent time with them. I was waking up with a smile on my face and I was looking foward to every minute I am going to spend with them. Also I made sure I will give them some "family" time. We did a lot funny things, they took me for a skiing vacation ( I love skiing ). Then, sometime around March, my host dad get grumpy and it seemed to me he is even grumpier in my present. I am a very sensitive person and I took it personaly. In April I couldn't take it anymore and I asked him if I am doing something what bothers him. He told me that they don't need me anymore, that there is too many adults in their house and that he is not happy anymore I am in their house.....At this time I had had almost 6 months to complete my second year in USA in front of me. Let me say this was the most harmful thing anybody has ever told me... I was abroad without my family and friends, I was doing my best to make my host family happy ( they didn't say „thank you“ almost at all - if I could give an advice to host parents, I would ask you to say thank you and "you do a good job" or " we appreciate what you have done for us" as much as possible. This words made happier than my pocket money....), I was looking foward to ( and saving almost all my money ) for my traveling around the West of America and now I knew I wasn't welcome anymore in that house and I didn't know what to do. Frankly my host dad's words devasted me. In one sentence he destroyed all nice stuff we built. We had really nice relationship based on a respect, hard work and great humor.I had to decided if I should go home and give up all my traveling I was looking foward to, leave the boys I was looking after and which I loved, leave my friends. Is it fair to punish somebody who's offence was being a great aupair ?? My host mom told me there is no problem with me, problem was in my host dad.. he was jealous. I decided to stay. But let me say - it never had been same. I felt as I should not be in a house anymore. I opened my hurt to this family. I trusted them. I did first and last for them. I loved them, I was very happy with them. I couldn't get over it. My host dad hurt me so deeply. And then there started my problems. I started to avoid my family. I thought when I spent my time off in my room the boys won't want to play with me and my host dad won't have the reasons to be jealous anymore. I felt so lonely. I stopped eating, I lost all my interests I had till this time. I was more than happy while taking care of the kids but my time off became a hell for me. Since I started avoiding my family I was loosing a contact with them. I cried a lot - I did not understand what I did they treat me the way they do. I didn't talk to them ( a HUGE MISTAKE ). My host mum was nice to me - she tried to make me happier. But I put down every her suggestion or attempt to make me happy ( ANOTHER HUGE MISTAKE ). I was so devasted I thought there is no way to built again what we had before.... When she asked me ( it was always her. My host dad never came and asked me if I want to do anything to them ) if I want to do something I always said I don't want to because it wasn't a host dad who asked me and I was too afraid he will be miserable just because of my present... They included me into activities very sporadicly..That is not what an aupair programme should be about…. When I told about it to my host mum she told me she knows. She said she does it because she's afraid her husband would be grumpy because I am with them and she doesn't want me to be unhappy again... I am glad she said this but it was another deeply hurting sentence I heard from my host family. Even the boys I took care of saw that thein parents don‘t invite me to any activities they do as a family. They asked: why is not she going with us. Why we are always going somewhere without her ? What is she going to do when we are going to be away? My host parents never had a proper answer for them.
OK, let's make already looong story shorter. I finished my two years with this family. They were very nice to me at the and and they provide me almost two months for my traveling ( they knew how I love it ) and also they let me use their car. But to be honest – at the end I was so unhappy because of the relationship we had and I would trade all these stuff for being a part of the family again. I just wanted to leave USA with the feelings they don’t hate me, they appreciate what I did for them….. The week before my flight back home they took me out for a nice dinner, we said bye in a nice way. I miss them terribly - you always forget bad things and just remember all the good stuff. I miss "my" boys so badly. Despite all these I had to face, being an aupair was an unforgotable experience. Finaly I grew up, I am a stronger and more confident person. I want to go back to USA and when I be there I will make sure I will visit my ex-host family and I will apologize to them... I have a job now ( a regular job ) and finally I know how hard is go to work, to grocery shoping, pay bills, have some time for hobbies and with all these I cannot imagine having somebody else in my house, not even being my own family, and pay some attention to her ( him ). I will apologize for being grumpy in last months of my stay but I will never forget how deeply they hurt me….. But maybe I should say thank you to them for that – they tought me that even a good friend can betray you.
Well, my host family and me….. we lots of great times, we had some challenge, I think we both learnt some stuff along the way. Having an aupair and being an aupair is definately a hard think but I think i tis a manageable….
I will be more than happy to answer any of your question.. just leave here on a blog your email and I will write you.
(Part I of II)
We're in our 3rd year with AuPairCare and on our 4th au pair (had two in our 2nd year), 3 from Brazil and one from Mexico. An OK experience so far, within the natural limitations of this program, and it's those limitations I want to talk about.
As Edina mentioned, there are unrealistic expectations on both sides. The "bad apple" au pairs do not understand that at 45 hrs a week, they really are coming over primarily to work and only secondarily to play. And it is certainly true that they do not understand how much their upkeep costs us. 20-somethings who in their home countries typically live with parents and have no dependents and few responsibilities, tend not to understand what goes into running and paying for a family.
Parents, on the other hand, sometimes rely way too much on the concept of agency screening or government regulation. I actually doubt that even an extensive in-person interview with a psychologist can screen out 100% of potential problems, because a girl interviewing in her native environment will react differently from the same girl subjected to the massive culture shock that is inherent in moving to another country. We as parents tend to greatly underestimate that aspect. I myself have been in their shoes three times having to move and adjust to a new country and language, and I know that it is a tremendous adjustment, and one year, or even two years, in a new culture is a very, very accelerated timeframe for them to be expected to find their "sea legs". Some will handle it well and some won't, and I do not believe that we can with certainty sort one from the other in advance. To me, that is a risk I take when I take on a girl, but it is a risk that I think I can manage because I guess I know what to look for. I am not accepting a commodity (so many units of childcare); I am taking on a living being with all the human needs and problems that come with that. I look at this as a sneak preview into having teenagers, what with bad driving and iffy communication skills and having to take time off from work to shepherd the girl through things like Social Security office or the DMV or school.
There is also the cultural difference aspect. Host parents who hope to expose their kids to another culture should realize what comes with that. Many au pairs come from backgrounds with significantly different attitudes to money, time, neatness, open communication, manners, and even honesty (I have to chuckle at the many girls who say on their application that they have never driven in snow but would be comfortable driving in snow). You are not just getting an American with foreign-language fluency. Have realistic expectations.
So, yes, the girls get misleading advertising of Easy Street paved with gold, and parents get misleading advertising of superstar child enrichment experts on the cheap. If complete truth were known on both sides, how many matches would still be made? However, the same goes for marriages and parenting and many other things in life, doesn't it? While the outlier bad cases need to be addressed and mitigated, most people manage, and most girls come to cope with it, and I actually have a lot of respect for those 80% who do.
(Part II of, ahem, II.5)
I do agree with some of the things people have said, like changing the work week to 50 hrs to account for typical urban commutes. Many people mention paid or unpaid overtime for the girls, but that's actually illegal, and so we've had to hire an afternoon babysitter. Definitely agree with paying monthly, these up front agency fees are a killer. Would love to pay for two classes a year instead of 1.2 (the $500 education allowance must have been picked out of thin air, with no relationship to even community college ESL fees) if the au pair program fees were lower but as it is, I simply, stupidly, cannot afford it.
Because if the girls who sign up to be au pairs are not the kind who go to medical school, the host families -- in all honesty -- often are those who are using this program as the cheapest available legal form of childcare. That's what it is. We've tried to wean ourselves off au pairs twice, and the going market rate for nannies (those with their own rent and grocery costs to meet) has left us reeling. Something, somewhere, is very out of whack with childcare costs and alternatives, but that is a larger conversation than the one at hand.
As far as our own experience goes, we have 3 kids who ranged from 5 to 18 months when we started with AuPairCare. We picked this agency on recommendation from others who'd had worse experience with other agencies. We've had OK agency coordinators, reasonably responsive and grateful for our realistic expectations. Our first au pair was indeed a superstar, a kindergarten teacher from Brazil who was referred to us by a mutual friend and we then put her in touch with the agency; she loved kids, shared our deepest values, taught my 4-year old daughter to read (English) at my direction... backed into another car in the parking lot of a summer camp, ran up hundreds of $$ in cell phone minutes (we were too ignorant then to check our plan)... and chose to extend with another family in California. We still love her dearly and are expecting her back for a visit soon. Then we took on two girls on rematch. One from Brazil also, a very different case, had no natural love for children and noticeable emotional development issues, not a happy camper, third rematch in one year, a fender bender in a prior placement. We showed her all the love we could, and she responded in kind, did honest and good work with the kids and opened up somewhat to us, although we chose not to extend with her in the end. The next one was from Mexico, definitely not a medical school type but a healthy, normal young woman, product of good parenting herself evidently, since she was able to draw all the right lines (went out dancing but did not drink or go with boys). We loved her.
(Part II.5)
This one taught us that the great differentiator in choosing au pairs is personality, not even prior childcare experience (I specifically except infant care from my generalization, since that does require specialized skills, and we did not use au pairs during baby years -- I stayed at home). Her prior experience was more of the sandwich variety, but she was able to rise to the occasion and handle our toddler not only with patience but, crucially important, with a sense of humor, and actually enjoyed him. We were lucky to be able to interview her in person since her prior placement was local. No idea what the other family had found fault with; a wonderful girl.
And given that personality is hard to gauge on paper, I guess my main recommendation is to pay less heed to all the other stuff in their profiles and filter by English proficiency, since that allows you to have a good phone interview.
Now we're starting our year with another Brazilian, some initial listening comprehension and culture shock issues but she is visibly determined to do right. She actually broke down crying in relief the first week-end, poor thing, when she realized that her worst fears had not come true and the kids were not monsters. We've made a point of establishing her authority with the kids, having clear rules, and doing little things to show her that we are on her side (e.g., buying her hot chocolate and buns that she is used to, for breakfast). And so we'll just muddle through as best we can, with God's help.
Good luck to all.
Anonymous,
Each of the 12 US Department of State regulated au pair programs have their own set of rules when it comes to finances. Reimbursements for failed matches are not mandated by the US State Department.
I am glad to report that the vast majority of family / au pair matches do work out well, some turn out to be great. The success rate ranges around 80%. There are many success stories out thers. But in case the match doesn't work out, the agencies quickly offer a "replacement au pair". She is an au pair that is already in the USA. For some reason her first match didn't work out for those girls. It can be as simple as personality differences and there are many, many more reasons that can make a match turn sour. Often expectations are not set properly, or lived up to on either side: host family or au pair.
I would like to point out a new website to you: www.aupairselectionadvice.net.
This website has been created by a lead au pair community counselor with 14+ years of experience. We have a wealth of advice for pre-screening, phone interviewing, setting expectations and a successful match with an au pair from overseas.
Please visit us at www.aupairselectionadvice.net. We will help you "getting ready" for an au pair.
Marie
Lead Community Counselor
mv@aupairselectionadvice.net
I'm interested in the recurring theme of problems with au pairs from Brazil. We got our first through Au Pair Care from Brazil and had to let her go after 3 very painful weeks. She was totally disengaged, did not interact or try to bond with our two toddlers, and was very insistent upon "working" no more than the 45 hours a week. She seemed to feel that being within a 25 mile radius of the kids was "working" and went out of her way to avoid the family and the kids outside of her work schedule. We went out of our way to help her adapt and feel part of the family, but she made no bones about her view that she was in this for what she could get out of it. Nothing more.
We reviewed the responses she gave to our screening questions and realize that she completely misrepresented her background and desire to work with children. We are left wondering how to get around this untruthfulness as we look for our next one.
I notice that Au Pair Care has an inordinate and disproportionate number of Brazilians in their database. As a former consular officer, I smell an immigration scam and would be curious about other people's experiences with au pairs from Brazil.
Post a Comment
<< Home