The High Cost of Au Pair Care
I am doing an article on the hidden costs of Au Pair Care. After my personal experience and reports of dozens of people, I feel the public needs to be alerted to the negative financial impact using an Au Pair agency can have on their bottom line. I will also be discussing the personal dangers a family is exposed to by inviting a stranger into their household.
Though we were personally spared some of the biggest problems, such as an Au Pair leaving 1 year old twins asleep in the home with the door unlocked while she went bike riding, we still have some of our own stories. Other have theirs about the lack of professionalism on the part of executives at some of the agencies.
As a mother, a business woman and a community member, I feel it is imperative that the public be aware of the consequences of the Au Pair Care system. Perhaps by our combined efforts we will be able to get Au Pair agencies to change their policies and be more client friendly and understanding of the financially difficulties families face when agencies put all the burden on them when something goes wrong.
And trust me, things go wrong. Our Au Pair said every one of her 7 Au pair friends had switched households at least once and some of them had illegally left the program and stayed on here illegally while leaving their families in the lurch. This is more common than the agencies will ever let you know. Guess who has the foot the bill for the extra cost of getting a new Au Pair? The family ... not the agency, even if it is was the Au Pair's fault. And the family can lose thousands of dollars, which for some is a hefty sum.
If a family has an Au Pair who illegally leaves the program, does something tragic ,or is just not a good fit, the Parents generally do not get their pre-paid money back from the agency. You see, families pay all 12 months up of the agency fees up front. The agency gets paid the same amount as the Au Pair. I wonder how many Au Pairs really understand this.
Au Pair agencies are staffing companies that take 50% of the Au Pairs first year salary up-front and is usually non-refundable, regardless of the situation works out or not.
Also the parents have to pay a registration fee, education costs for the Au Pair and possibly air fare too. So if the Au Pair leaves or the family decides the Au Pair is not a good fit for their family, they often will not receive their money back. I personally lost $2,000 and my Au Pair lost $1,000 that the agency wouldn't give back because she illegally left the program to travel around the U.S. A good friend of mine lost $3,000 that Au Pair Care refused to give back. What is happening here?
If the Au Pair rings up a $1,000 in long distance charges to their homeland (it happens!). Who pays? Not the agency, the family has to burden that cost. I would recommend turning off your international long distance service if possible and using Skype instead.
By speaking about this online we can require that these agencies (and our government) to REQUIRE better screening of Au Pairs before they become part of the program and enter our country and our homes. And also require better screening of parents by the agencies to make sure their home and their expectations are a good fit for an Au Pair. As well as checking Parents references to ensure the Au Pair is safe.
One Au Pair's references we checked said they would never trust their child in the care of this woman, who was their Au Pair in London, nor should we. And this reference was on the Au Pair's application she sent to us. How in the world did she get into the program then and why didn't the agency check her references? I asked and the agency said they did check her references. Interesting ...
On a positive note ... our Au Pair experience overall was terrific for our son who loved our Au Pair like a sister. We also treated our Au Pair like a daughter (she was only 18 years old when she arrived from Ecuador) and enjoyed having her along on all our family events and sharing our life with her. It was a shame that after 8 1/2 months she decided she didn't want to work anymore and wanted to travel the U.S. with her girl friends, some who were also illegally staying in the U.S.
She left one day with any notice, just a note left behind I found a day later after worrying endlessly where she had gone - just a like a mom would if her 19 her old daughter didn't come home one day. And just like a mother, worrying about the impact of one child leaving on another, I was saddened beyond words when I had to explain to my son that his "sister" had disappeared.
Luckily she did come back in a few months on her way back to Ecuador to say goodbye to our son and to wish us all well in our life. However, I don't think it will ever remove the sting of her unexpected departure with myself or our son.
I invite other parents who hosted au pairs, au pairs, or au pair agencies to comments to this blog. However, please keep it a postive otherwise your post may be removed.
This is a forum to provide solutions in a polite way to parents who are looking for quality au pairs and for au pairs who are looking for quality parents.
Please avoid the "complaining" syndrome and instead offer an opportunity for growth and change for the Au Pair Agencies, for Parents and for Au Pairs. Often problems begin because of a lack of awareness, you can point out potential conflicts and problems without being negative. You must have an open mind to invite change.
Au Pair care offers many advantages for all parties involved. However, it also has many risks. To minimize the risks, one should research as much as possible, check references (whether you are the Au Pair or the Parents) and set your boundaries with the Agencies with the terms you are willing to accept.
posted by Ms.Money @ 1:25 PM
142 Comments
142 Comments:
I had the same problem with AuPair Care. I am currently waiting for accounting to figure out my account. I will be happy to share my experience with everyone who is willing to listen if you are still willing to do the story.
Our experience with Au Pair Care was horrible also. The Director of Au Pair Care at the time we used them had the worst people skills from a professional business organization I had ever been exposed to.
We fired our Au Pair after one month (after she kept coming home at 4am in the morning with our car). The Director essentially believed only the fabricated facts that our Au Pair told her and not the truth of the situations which is what we told her. She was incredibly rude to us and provided no remedy. After speaking with several moms in my community I began to realize the agency always sides with the Au Pair because the parents money is non-refundable so there is no reason to ever suppor them after the initial sale. I would never use them again.
Hello! We used Au Pair Care for our first au pair from Brazil, and everything was OK with that company up until the end, which I will describe below:
Our au pair did OK with her chores and childcare, so we had no real complaints other than her repeated phone use during the day. We finally had to put our foot down on this, and discovered later she was using her cell phone (paid for by us) to get around this restriction.
When we confronted her about it in her 6th month, she demanded a rematch to go to another family. She also wanted a rematch because we would not allow her to have male friends come over, even after we showed her this article about a murdered Au Pair Care placement in Denver: http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/5525225/detail.html
Au Pair Care talked her out of it, and in retrospect this was not to our advantage. She agreed to drop her demands for male visitors and agreed not to use the cell phone during work hours. We later found out that she got around this AGAIN by text-messaging.
When my wife was laid off she noticed that our 2-year old son did not like being around her very much, and she had to tell the au pair not to be so abrupt in applying skin medicine for our son who has eczema, as she rushed to do everything and used no 'tender loving care.'
Our au pair told us she wanted to go to a new family for her second year in the program, and wanted to go to another part of the country to 'travel.' We had no problem with this. But then we found out she was trying to make her own deal with a family right down the road from us because they promised her a car of her own and a really easy working schedule. She was planning to violate the terms of her visa and take a vacation to cover the gap in time between going from our family to theirs.
Au Pair Care was not happy about this development, but they didn't seem to try to prevent her from going to that family. (She already knew the family because their au pair had been rejected at the airport for visa violation...long story) We told our au pair that it was not right for her to make her own deals and violate her visa terms to do it, and she requested a rematch to another family for the second time.
This happened in her 11th month...she only had one month to go with us! The fact that she wanted to leave our house the same day proved that she did not care about our children, so we contacted the State department to see about revoking her visa.
Au Pair Care came and took her out of our house, and then a week later we got a letter from a senior manager that they were removing us from the program too! This was likely based on the condescension and rudeness exhibited by of their other client managers who basically took the au pair's side, and I guess partly on our attempt to get her visa revoked and sent back to Brazil. This client manager is quite rude to host families and seems more concerned about placing au pairs with families despite complaints.
To cap this off...we have no au pair at all and have to find a new agency, while our former au pair is likely living with the family that she chose, despite our documented complaints about the fear shown by our son towards her and her lack of compassion in dealing with children. Oh, and we also documented her attempts to make business contacts to find other jobs, including getting involved in a pyramid scheme.
Our former au pair developed a very active social life with 20+ male friends and wanted HER OWN car, and was not satisfied using one that we allowed her to use! Maybe they all develop that sense of entitlement over time, but Au Pair Care clearly didn't take our concerns seriously enough and we have no evidence that they even passed on our evaluation of her to the new family!!
Thanks to those who left their posts and I continue to invite others to relay your Au Pair stories here. Please also share you good Au Pair stories so that we can see both sides of the story.
I am not recommending that parents stop using Au Pair agencies, because I believe there is a lot of value in having at Au Pair in the home. What I recommend is that parents enter into the agreement with the Au Pair agency with open eyes and a savvy business sense.
Don't be afraid to ask the tough questions, such as what happens if an Au Pair leaves suddenly without notice? Or charges $1,000 on my phone bill and disappears? The agency takes a deposit from the Au Pair, to help ensure she stays with the program, why shouldn't the parents keep a deposit from the Au Pair? You can require that from your agency.
If they have a problem with your request be frank and tell them that "XYZ Au Pair Agency" would be happy to for your business and agree to your terms.
You do NOT have to sign their legal agreement, you can write you own language in and say you will agree to host an Au Pair in your home only if the agency refunds your money 100% if the Au Pair does not work out. You can also demand the agency pay you any amounts owed by the Au Pair. If they disagree with your terms, then find an agency that will agree with you or at least meet you half way.
Though we had a bad experience with some of the "directors" at Au Pair Care who were laughably unprofessional, we absolutely adored our regional coordinator Tanya and hope she goes on to thrive in her career as an Au Pair coordinator.
Good luck Parents! And remember you are the customer - let the company know what you want or refuse to do business with them and find companies that are more customer friendly.
I wrote 2 days ago: Here is my story. The agency is only offering $325 per month for 9.25 months. My family lost over $1000 with the last one. We stand to loose over $5000. What can I do? My LCC is doubtful the agency will help. We have 5 children under 12 (all in school but a body must be present for the 45 minutes until I get home from work).
Here is my story: We have been a host family since 2002. We were drawn to the program because we loved the idea that an au pair would be more than just a child care provider, and it would be like having a family member watching our children. And that is exactly what we got. Our Au Pairs were the greatest. They were more like big sisters to the children and daughters to us. We are still in contact with them and we are grateful that they will always be a part of our Family. Unfortunately, since August 2006, the program has changed. The au pairs we have had since then show no interest in the family. They are only interested in what the host family will do for them and worse shortly after they have secured a social security card they have disappeared.
We have had three au pairs since August 2006, all with the same outcome, they abandoned my family. They left without notice and no regard to the consequence of their action. The one that came in August was awful. I found my son naked wet on the floor, full of urine. She gave us 2 weeks notice, left within 2 days, and then when I refused to pay her until my bills came in, (I sent the money to the LCC to hold) she wrote the agency and accused me of mistreating her. The next one left my children in the school yard waiting for over hour. Her, I asked to stay a second year. The family liked her very much. They were shocked when they came home to an empty house with the door wide open and unlocked. Was there a dead body in there? There was not a note to be found and the children were completely devestated! The 3rd one wanted to stay out all night. She was miserable evertime I came home from work. I asked her to come to the children's spring concert at school and she asked, "why do you want to make me do things that I hate to do?" I asked her why she became an aupair if she did not want to be part of a family. The next day she left. This time with a note. My children were once again left asking for a ride home. That's where the note was. Since August 2006, time and time again, Au Pair Care failed my family, leaving us to scramble to make sure the children were safe, missing days of work and having to quickly find additional child care. We understand that ultimately our children are our responsibility. However, when we joined the Au Pair Program we were lead to believe that Au Pair Care would be providing suitable responsible candidates for us to match with. Recently this has not been the case.
We went back into the program this last time without being advised by anyone of the fact about how much out of pocket money we would lose. Now that this one left my husband and I don't want to have our chilldren in the situation where they may be abandoned again. Nor is it fair have our house be used as a half way house for unscrupulous people to gain entry to this great country and then disappear. If you have any advice to help my family we'd be grateful!
I think the au pair experience for the family depends on how good the regional coordinator is.
We have had 6 au pairs from Au Pair Care since Mar 04. The first au pair gave us one hour's of notice before she departed while I was on a business trip. We never found the reason why she departed, but we never look seriously at anyone from Brazil again. The next one left but gave us time to find a new one.
Our German au pair was wonderful - just what our 7 month old and we needed. We were seriously wanting to adopt her, but she needed to get on with her school. The next one also stayed a year. She had a few quirks, but she stayed a whole year. The next was psycho - she just wanted to abuse our hospitality and lied to us just about anything. Let me say, I won't look at Polish girls the same way. We know the program kicked her out and she's still happily in the country, but that is another story. We replaced her with someone in the country (from Turkey). She doesn't mesh well with the host parents. Apparently, she doesn't think we are worthy of having a conversation with - she used to go a whole weekend saying 10 words to us. She only talks to us if she wants to borrow the car. Her only saving grace is that she appears to treat our daughter well. Well she has a tendency to blow up when she doesn't get her way the first time she discusses a topic. She ran right to the coordinator. The coordinator is new and instantly took the side of the au pair. Luckily, we know her boss and I contacted her. We now have the issue relatively resolved to our favor.
But the big problems I see with the companies - rapid turnover of company coordinators and the fact that they are too lazy to follow through. For example, they didn't verify the polish girl got on a plane - they just wiped their hands of her after kicking her out of the program. They should be able to charge the companies that promoted her for the return airfare.
Now, we have to go by gut instinct of what works for us and try to resolve issues early. The last two have been duds, but she was wanting to stay for two years and was good with our child. She won't be staying with us, but we are willing to give her a recommendation.
HI All!! I am an Au pair and I have found Au pair cares assitance to be very lacking. Don't expect them to rush to help you. They get over one hundred Au pairs in every week and they have lost to do. You are out of the way and have already paid. To find a good co ordinator is realy hard aswell. My one Au pair co ordinator was always very abrupt and when I mentioned this to a group of people they all had stories to tell. What does the Au pair do if they have a problem? They are not going to go to someone who can't even greet them properly. You just going to let thing get worse and eventually just phone and say rematch me. I think the Au pair should be able to report on the co ordinators. It only seems fair to everyone.
I agree with the au pair's comment. The company coordinators should do a better job with the au pairs. We had a string of replacement coordinators - some better than others. If a coordinator is not meeting the needs, go above them - I say. That is how I got a recent issue involved. But that is a lesson learned from being in the military. If you don't know who the coordinator's boss is, I would suggest getting on the au pair company's website and and emailing the main office. Now, if I even have an inkling of an issue, I contact the coordinator with an objective (not emotional) summary of what's going on. I then status the issue - if it was resolved or needs additional work. That gives them the notice that you are someone that cares about the program. It is sad that I know the policy better than they do sometimes (6 au pairs in 3.5 years). As long as the issues are resolved within State guidelines and both the family and the au pair can live with the solution, the company goes along with the solution. It's the easy way out for them.
For anyone who wants to hire an au pair, do a through research first. There are many social networking web sites these au pairs belong to, you can check their blogs and friends and their messages on these web sites.
I'm so sorry to hear that you all had such terrible experiences...
I'm here to represent all the good au pairs out there doing their jobs.
please, DON'T GENERALIZE!
you're being unfair with us, the girls who left their families, jobs, school, friends, fiancees to live with you and help you with such an important position in your home.
I'm a former au pair from Brazil by au pair care. I have to agree... au pair care did NOTHING for me or either for my host family when we needed.
it's funny to see that none of you posted with your real names... what's the problem?
just to let you know, the agencies don't really check our references, so you, please do it yourself if you intend to have a "stranger" in your house.
join websites like orkut, hi5, facebook, multiply and check out your prospective au pair's webpage. it says a lot about what kind of girl she is...
I'm leaving my family after 2 amazing years together sharing the most beautiful moments... I learned a lot from them, the main thing was the language... they were so patient with me...
also it was awesome being able to share with them a little bit about my culture, my language, my story...
the only thing I ask you, DON'T GENERALIZE... be aware that the agencies don't do their jobs but don't let such a good opportunity pass by.
it's a cheap program, safe (if you are carefull), convinient... think twice before generalizing... don't be unfair.
and, just in case, if you want to have an idea about the families who misstreat their au pairs just let me know... I have dozens of blogs like this one where the au pairs tell their stories... like the family who doesn't feed the au pair, the family who locked the au pair in the house while they went out of town, the host father who broke into the au pair's room to abuse her...
there are good and bad people in both sides... watch out!
ps. sorry for the bad spellling and grammar, english is my third language so that's why I'm still here... I really need to improve my english.
I am a counselor from another agency, not AuPair Care.
I am saddened to see that so many of you have had unhappy experiences with your au pairs and your agency.
If you are not truly excited to have a cultural exchange and if you have chosen the au pair program because it's the cheapest way to get live-in care for two or more children, then please do not host an au pair. It is unfair to her. Hosting an au pair is very much like hosting a foreign exchange student with a strong emphasis on child care. If you have never wanted to host a foreign exchange student, then rethink the au pair solution because it is probably not for you.
I have seen some language here that disturbs me.
First of all, an au pair is supposed to be a treasured older sister to your children. She is NOT an employee and you CANNOT fire her!
If she is working more than 45 hours a week for you, then you are abusing the program and your au pair.
If you are paying her extra to do your laundry and your husband's laundry, then you are abusing her.
If you think that giving your au pair expensive perks makes up for extra work, extra hours, and heavy cleaning, then you are abusing your au pair.
If you are not giving your au pair one entire weekend off per month(from Friday evening to early Monday morning) then you are abusing your au pair.
If you are not giving your au pair 1.5 consecutive days off per week, then you are abusing your au pair.
If you make your au pair eat chicken nuggets, mac & cheese and pizza constantly with the kids, then you need to take her to the grocery store with you and tell her to fill a cart with the food she likes so that next time you shop, you know what to buy. These girls are not used to eating frozen processed foods that are incredibly unhealthy and make America fat.
If you think that all Brazilians are bad, then you have never been to Brazil! Brazilians are the most loving, outgoing, warm and friendly people on this planet.
Never underestimate the power of saying "thank you" for all the things your au pair does for you. Watch her smile when you do so. These girls crave recognition for what they do right. Go heavy on the positive reinforcement.
Do you remember to say "good morning" and "good night" to her every day? This is basic common courtesy.
I recommend that you all buy the book "Au Pairing Up" which is available from Amazon.com.
As far as protecting yourselves financially, consider paying the agency fee in monthly installments. Some agencies allow this. Then, you are only out what you have put in should something go wrong and you want to just quit.
Forgive me if this posting is a bit abrupt, but I have been doing this for many years and know that abuse is typically a mutual thing.
Please treat your au pair in a loving and respectful manner.
So, I wanted also to post my opinion here...I am a professional AuPair, I think I can say so because I'm working as an Aupair for 4 yars now.
I didn't use the Au Pair Care agency and I'm here to talk about, and side, with all the girls that actually do a good job.
In 2003 I finished high school and decided that I wanted to do an exchange program to the US to improve my english, I couldn't pay for a college program and then I heard about the program, it was just perfect! In 2 months I had a family and in another 2 I departed to New Jersey.
My family was just wonderful, the kids, oh gosh, they are my babies untill today (eventough the oldest, who is now 12 doesn't like me calling him baby hehehe), it was the best experience in my life. I felt like part of the family right away, and as part of the family I had responsabilities, no, it's not aupair's responsability to do the laundry to the host parents, but I did so many times, specially when my host dad traveled (he was in the army) and it was only me and my host mom left with the 3 kids, and she worked a lot! I was there to be part of a family, and we help whenever our family needs us....
We never had any problems to report to our Lcc or Rcc, we did have disagreements, of course, but we were mature enough to solve it ourselves. After two years I couldn't stay in the US anymore, but I still wanted to travel and meet other people and countries.
I went back o Brazil to get on with the process of moving to Netherlands, also as an AuPair. As soon as I went back some people from my agency (the travel agency that sold me the aupair program) asked me to go there and talk about my experience as an aupair and I just got horrified...they were selling the program as it was all about having fun! They said to the propective aupairs they were to have their own cars, cellphones and all the freedom they wanted, they would be paid more than 500 dolars (which made more than 1.000 reais, which is a good salary for a student that doesn't pay bills) and they just needed to work a little bit, becuse most of the kids stayed at school most of the day....
It was a dream life with travels, shopping and all that! that was 2005 and the agency was working with AuPair care and not with the agency I went through in 2003.
What you must understad is that the girls that go on the aupair programs are from middle class, different from the US these girls (and I put mysefl into this account) are used to private schools, private language centers, and 90% of them live in houses with housekeepers that cook, clean and do their laundry, we'r not used to work, and despite it all most of middle class brazilians think house work as an underground job, only people who have never gone to school apply for it...
When these girls arrive in the US and their lives change so dramatically they don't know what to do, because they've paid to have their own cars, but now they only have if the host family allows it, they've paid to have their own cellphones, and now they only can use it when the host family says so...they star to think 'Oh my gosh, I'm a maid here! I didn't pay to be a maid!' and that's when most of the families start to hav problems....
I was a good aupair, I now that because the kids I took care called me 'mom' more than in only one occasion, and my host mom always smilled them whenever they did so...she liked, she knew they did that because I treated them with all the love I would treat my own kids, she gave me a wonderful recomendation when I apllied to my job in Netherlands, as well as when I applied to my current position in Canadá, as did my host mom in Netherlands.
The Au pair program is a wonderful solution to many american families, but you have to choose the right agency. I can say it from Brazil, the agencies there ARE NOT an american agency branch, it's a completely different agency with completely different principals and culture and they're selling the program to girls as it was a movie script and god knows what girls can do when they get dissapointed...praise for your kids' sake and study well the person your putting into you house, ask your prospective aupair which agency in Brazil is selling her the program, ask them what do they say and set working conditions prior the match, and make sure that you give the girl what you promissed.
Another thing, most as these girls, as I said, come from middle class families and have never go close to a child in a working enviroment, these girls need up to 200 hours of work with kids, when any of them put 'babysitting' on their application is a lie, people in Brazil don't babysit as in the US, why should they when you can pay 300 reais (150 dollars) a month to a person to watch your kids, clean you house, do you laundry, and this person is going to sleep at work and be 'off duty' during a whole weekend every two weeks? No, there are no babisitters from middle class in Brazil and all the 'day care' job they do is VOLUNTARY, they go there to gain these 'hours of work' and nothing more. I didn't let my host family get a girl from Brazil when I left, because all of them had more than 500 hours of work babysitting and I Know that was a lie...we got a french girl, she was really nice to the kids, no regrsts, now they have a South African girl (way harder to choose because me, Camille and Laura were choosing this time), who is doing just fine...
So please, don't generalize, don't forget that agencies are companies and as such they aim profit, not all aupairs are bad and most of them are just unsatisfied because they didn't get what they've paid for...
Hi!! I`m a Brazilian au pair, I was an au pair for an American family for 9 months. Things were ok, we were even going to extend for more 9 months, and she said several times I was her best au pair. But then things started to change, my host mom started to treat me different, she started to get in my room when I was out, she put a voice recorder in the house, she checked my cellphone. They started to pay me 3 days even one week after the day they were supposed to. She made me buy a dress to work in her sister`s wedding, and told me she was gonna pay me the money. She never did.
I had a curfew, I was supposed to get home 8 hours before starting to work. I always got home in time, and I never started to work late. On the July 4th I went to another city to see the fireworks, I left early to get home in time to my curfew. I missed an exit, and got home 30 minutes later than what I was supposed to. For my surprise she had changed the front door lock, I had to get in the house through the garage door. She came to me drunk, and said I should leave the house. It was 1:30 AM and she said she didn`t care if I had a place to stay or not, I should find somebody to pick me up once I couldn`t use her car anymore. I asked why she was putting me out, she said it was because I was late. I told her I never got home late, she said once was enough. She took my passport from my things before I got home that night, and cancelled my cellphone. I left the house in the middle of the night and without saying goodbye to the children.
The days after that she didn`t answer my counselour`s calls and she didn`t answer her e-mails either.
My agency e-mailed them, and told them they were gonna be sued for what they did, and for having my passport. She wrote back saying a lots of lies about me, and that she didn`t have my passport. Some days later she said she found my passport.
She owed me 1 week of work, plus the 3 days I worked(until she put me out), my vacation week, and the money for the dress. She never payied.
I had a terrible experience, it was hard for me trust in Americans again, but I can`t blame a whole country for a crazy woman. So to the family that said they cannot trust Brazilians anymore I`m so sorry for them, this is prejudice and imaturity.
I could tell everybody not to be an au pair, because of the things that happened to me, but I know a lot of girls that have had a great year. My agency gave me all support I needed, and they payied me the money they owed.
I just wanted to show that there are bad experiences on both sides, and I know there are a lot of good experiences too.
Hello parents and au pairs. This is a forum to provide solutions in a polite way to parents who are looking for quality au pairs and for au pairs who are looking for quality parents.
Please avoid the "complaining" syndrome and instead offer an opportunity for growth and change for the Au Pair Agencies, for Parents and for Au Pairs.
Often problems begin because of a lack of awareness. You must have an open mind to invite change.
Au Pair care offers many advantages for all parties involved. However, it also has many risks. To minimize the risks, one should research as much as possible, check references (whether you are the Au Pair or the Parents) and set your boundaries with the Agencies with the terms you are willing to accept.
Au Pair Care agencies, please beware, that many of your clients have made it clear that you do not check references even though as part of your marketing packages you state you do. By not checking references, you could subject yourself to a class action lawsuit by current and former families and/or Au Pairs that were "harmed" by your failure to follow through on your legal promise of checking references. I have seen class action lawsuits that had much less to stand on than these accusations and have cost the companies millions of dollars just to defend. So please for your own sake and for the Parents and Au Pairs who want to continue using the benefits of Au Pair services, follow through on what your contract says.
Ms.Money
Hello Again Everyone,
Right now I am in dispute with APC. I have reported them to the BBB. They refuse to reconsider my refund of $325 PER month left on my contract. My family stands to loose a few thousand dollars. We had 3 aupairs since last August that left without notice. Each time with additional fees paid by me for replacement. Mind you, we were a repeat customer. We never mistreated our aupairs. Sometimes their friends would come over and wish they were here. We never abused the program either. We paid on time 100% of the time, and we had a schedule posted everyweek so they could make plans. The 3 that left came only to get into the US. Once they got their SS# they left (my mother-in-law was the person who helped them fill out all their paperwork and drive them to the SS office to file their papers--) If you want to save money, consider other options. As I asked before, if there is anyone out there who can give me advice let me know.
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The social security number an au pair receives is a non-working one. It's only good for opening up a bank account or registering at a local college. They cannot get a job with it. It is in a totally separate category.
I understand that the SS# is in a totally different categorgy, but they can "still apply" for nanny jobs with it. It has the same amount of numbers as ours and someone who never sees the card can't make any distinction. Maybe the government needs to hand out something other than a 10 digit number on a card that looks identical to ours so they can't try to use it in a fraudulant way and still be able to go to school and get a bank account. Should a slight change be made? Lets say a differnt colored backround and 12 didgets? What do you think?
I think that the au pair companies have a responsibility to ensure that au pairs leave the country when their time is up. And I do know that in the Virginia area, there are employers that tell au pairs that "I won't look at any paperwork" if you want a job with me.
I am grateful for the au pair that provided insight into Brazilians. We had one that left us after 2 months but had to leave the program because she never explained why she couldn't/wouldn't take care of a 3 month old baby. That explains a lot.
It is hard not to generalize cultures. We have hired 6 au pairs, and definitely have preferences towards which countries we will consider hiring au pairs from in the future. Unfortunately, those we will never consider again are due to experiences we have had with au pairs that leave a poor impression.
I do know that there are bad families and bad au pairs. We attempt to be fair and reasonable. We tend to trust the au pairs until proven otherwise. I think that our best experience involved a web site that future au pairs can visit to get suggestions as well as meet others with similar situations. She was our best au pair. She knew what to expect - life wasn't good all the time, but wasn't bad all the time. I wish others used that tool.
I have a lot of stuff I am sorting through, so please forgive me. I have issues with the current au pair who replaced one we had to fire (yes, fire) due to integrity issues. Consistent integrity issues. And I know she is in the country illegally right now, because we get bills for her exploits. The current au pair just doesn't see the need to communicate with me or my husband unless she desires something. And if she doesn't get what she wants right away, she gets very fussy at me. But, we only have one more month with her. We have attempted to communicate many times with her, but have since given up. She wants to extend with another family and we gave an honest recommendation. She is mad that we indicated that she doesn't like to interact with the host family. Apparently, she desired to, but gave up rather early. I think she doesn't realize that making friends means talking to them.
Anyway, I like the idea of this thread and hope to see more inputs in the future.
I'm just back from dinner with my neighboors.
they took me out with my host mom since I'm leaving my host family after completing my second year.
I'll emphasize just one little part of the long conversation we had during dinner.
one lady said "XXX remember what we said when you told us you were hiring an au pair?"
my host mom said "sure I do... you said ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU'RE PUTTING A STRANGER HOT BRAZILIAN GIRL IN YOUR HOUSE?"
and the first lady said again "I want to apologyze because now a days I wish I could afford her... she has been so helpfull with the kids around the neighborhood... I wish she could stay longer..."
I couldn't get a better compliment.
thanks god for the amazing experience I had and for the good example of brazilian au pair I am.
watch out for the generalizations... you don't wanna be classified as a crazy american family, right?
=\
I'm just back from dinner with my neighboors.
they took me out with my host mom since I'm leaving my host family after completing my second year.
I'll emphasize just one little part of the long conversation we had during dinner.
one lady said "XXX remember what we said when you told us you were hiring an au pair?"
my host mom said "sure I do... you said ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU'RE PUTTING A STRANGER HOT BRAZILIAN GIRL IN YOUR HOUSE?"
and the first lady said again "I want to apologyze because now a days I wish I could afford her... she has been so helpfull with the kids around the neighborhood... I wish she could stay longer..."
I couldn't get a better compliment.
thanks god for the amazing experience I had and for the good example of brazilian au pair I am.
watch out for the generalizations... you don't wanna be classified as a crazy american family, right?
=\
If an au pair does not board her flight home, the one that her agency booked for her, the Department of State is notified. It's up to the US government to follow up. They are probably too busy with terrorism to spend a lot of time looking for wayward au pairs.
For the 3 au pairs that stayed a year, my husband drove them to the airport. They had plans to finish up their education. The others that walked out left with their ss#'s, bank accounts and drivers licenses. I think at the least they should give their numbers to the LCC and if they leave they can report it to ss so they can't continue to use it. The au pairs really have no consequences for their actions. The host parents are stuck with losing days of work possibly their jobs because of it, paying extra for help b/c of short notice AND if you are as trusting as I was and took someone else's aupair you're stuck paying extra fees to the agency. I was charged a fee for extending to the end of another aupair's year and she left.
Hi,
I'm also a Brazilian Au Pair. I remember my friends saying before I leave Brazil: "Are you crazy? Why are you going to Texas, in the middle of nowhere, on a redneck and cowboy state, to learn what is not english language, to take care of 4 boys on a house with snakes, cats, dogs, frogs, birds and other pets?"
I just can say I had the most amazing year of my life. It was the perfect match. My hostfamily still say I was the best Au Pair ever (they had 4 Au Pairs so far).
I could study, travel, and have a lovely family during my one year stay in U.S. I miss them a lot!
I always treated my 4 hostkids with love and I was always respected by my hostparents.
Now I have a good job in Brazil and I'm more mature, thank's to the Au Pair experience.
About the cellphone and long distance calls story, it's hard for us Brazilian to understand why is it so expensive in America. The families have to explaind that carefully to the Au Pair's. In Brazil cell phone is not that expensive, and we also don't to answer a call. Text message is also very cheap.
Good luck for you all on this Au Pair experience.
HI,
Im a Brazilian Au Pair, too
Now im back to Brazil.
We spent here around R$ 2.000,00 to the agency here only to become an au pair.
I agree with something, if the LCC is good everything will be fine to the HF and the AP.
Its very hard disccus about this kind of relationship but the only think i know is i did my best, and i know im a good au pair.
I spend only 56 days at US and i had to go back to brazil, and the APC was at HF side and lcc too...
Im feeling lost, afraid...but ill never give up...
I tried to find a HF who loves me like a daughter, but i didnt had this lucky... :(
I really wish to everbody here more lucky...
xoxo
I'm an au pair fo more than a year and, despite the fact that I extended the program and I'm happy with my experience, I have no intention of staying in the USA longer than it. Someone said something true. I'm from Brazil, and I belong to the high middle class. I had a maid doing EVERYTHING for me my whole life, my parents could afford private school too. It doesn't mean that all the Brazilians au pair have the same roots. I have some trouble with the other ones who say "you never had a hard life, so you are not as mature as we are". Lie. I can assure that , anyways, I'm the responsible and mature au pair in the area, since my parents raised me with a good sense of education, respect and responsibility. Each girl is one, no matter where they came from. A lot used to be very good in their country, but when they come, they get excited with the fact that they are free and nobody knows them, so they can do whatever they want. I also know a lot of german, french, mexican, polish (...) au pairs who were totally irresponsible and had serious problems wit the host-family, so their nationality isn't the thing to analyse at all. I also know a lot of host-families who explore theirs au pairs, making they clean the house, make the whole family's laundry, letting them stuck in the house since they have no car to go out, being unpolite and dealing with the au pair as dirt, father's who abuse them.....host-families can be a nightmare as much, so we can not say that all the american host-families are a nightmare. What I can say is that the most important thing is try to find your au pair (or host-family) months before, when you can really get to know about them. Au pairs want a family who cares about them, to feel as part of the family, but they have to behave as part of the family (rules) as much!. Try to find your au pair the way you want, talk with her and get the "feeling" . Don't let her be homesick, try to give her attention as be tough when it's about her responsibilities. Their behave are usually mutual: If you are mean with them, they will start hating you and then, they won't care anymore. Don't abuse her rights. Why a host parent can be late everyday and the au pair can never be? Show her you're doing it right too.
I don't know who is this LCC who posted here, but she it completely right. She totally understands the side of the au pair without being againts the host-families. There's nothing else to say.
Dear Everyone,
The following is an attached copy that my first Au pair brought home from training. She was a success and she is still part of our family. We are now grand host parents and my children host aunts and uncles. Please remember I did NOT write it, but it needs to be said to anyone who thinks they can come to someones house and expect no rules. Successful relationships take both parties to give a little. The LCC gave a great view of how the au pair should be treated, now here is the other side. I apologize for any abruptness, but here goes:
Au Pair Survival Guide!
Your Job
1. You must be ready for work when your day begins: out of bed, showered, dressed, have eaten breakfast, and greeting your host parents 5 minutes before your start time to get your instructions for the day.
2. Say “good morning” to your host parents and host children, with a smile, don’t wait for them to say it first.
3. Be positive, outgoing, and enthusiastic about your work.
4. Bond with the children - Get to know them, children need to know that you like them and they can trust you.
5. Never say nor think, “it’s not my job”. If it’s related to the kids, IT IS YOUR JOB.
6. You must always be on-time: this means for starting work, picking up the kids, taking the kids to school, getting the kids to
bed, having their meals on time, and your own curfew
7. Make reminders for yourself if you need to… write it down.
8. During working hours, au pairs must always be watching the children or doing childcare related things. When you are
working, you are working. No watching TV, spending time in your room, showering, letter writing, personal reading, personal
chores (your laundry, cleaning your room, etc), personal phone calls, using the internet nor writing e-mails. NEVER ALLOW KIDS OUTSIDE ALONE!
9. Eliminate the words “stupid” and “hate” from your vocabulary. These words are most often used incorrectly and offend host
parents and children.
10. Never compare your host family situation with another au pair’s. Remember, each family is different, in some ways better, and
in some ways not.
11. Don’t answer the door to anyone that you do not know unless your host parents tell you to ahead of time.
About your Host Children
1. Watch your kids at all times! If you cannot see them, they are too far from you.
2. You always have to remember: the most important thing, which your host parents expect from you, is THAT YOU KEEP THEIR CHILDREN SAFE!!!
3. Play, play, and play…We want au pairs to be actively playing with the kids; not just watching them play. You need to be fun,
happy, silly, smile, creative, and be playful. Be motivated and creative with the children; minimize TV watching.
4. Understand that American children are different than children in your country.
5. Understand that kids are not perfect. They have bad days too, they make mistakes, they do things wrong… they are kids, you
are the adult and you need to react to them as an adult always. Do not argue back with them like another child.
6. Do not take things your host kids say or do personally.
7. Be sensitive to the kids, they love you whether you are “on” or “off” working hours.
8. Encourage your host kids. Help them to be positive and believe they can do things
9. Attend important events for the kids if you can. If you cannot, be sure to ask the kids about them. Example: How was the
soccer game? Did your team win? How did you play?
10. You are the “eyes and ears” for the host parents. You may see a behavior change with the kids on Monday and your host parents may not see it until the weekend. You will hear what the kids say when they come home from school and what they
need for the next day.
11. Be careful not to favor one child, you must treat all the children equally.
About your Host Parents
1. Every au pair needs to understand that host parents are very busy, this is why they have you. You cannot be offended when they
come home from work tired, upset, or don’t talk with you as much as you’d like.
2. Realize that if your host parent is in a bad mood, it doesn’t mean it is about you.
3. Even if your host parents work a lot and you don’t see them often, make sure that you find a minute to tell them something
about your day with the kids or ask questions.
4. Ask lots of questions about your work. Even if you feel silly asking what seems simple, you really must ask if you have any doubts! It is so much better than making avoidable mistakes
5. Communicate! Even if it is hard – you MUST find a way to talk to your host parents and to solve possible problems early!
Small problems just get bigger, they never just go away. If you need help, talk to your coordinator for ideas on how to talk with your family.
6. Make eye contact when you are talking with them, this is respectful.
7. Say “thank you”… thank you for dinner, gifts, and vacation. We say “thank you” more than many other countries and we also write thank you notes.
8. Host parents do not want to hear your opinions on how to raise their children nor your strong dislikes about America. Be careful to never give your opinion unless your host parent specifically asks you for it. Do not tell your host parents what they should or should not be doing with their children, home, or life.
9. Do not talk with other au pairs about your host family’s private life. Things in your family stay in your family.
10. Do not share with your host parents what other au pairs are saying about their host families.
11. When host parents do something with the kids, it doesn’t mean you can. For example: If they let the kids watch TV all day on Saturday, it doesn’t mean you can do that during the week.
12. It’s not appropriate to ask for your stipend (your pay) early.
13. Don’t call your host parents at work unless it is an emergency.
Being Part of a Family
1. SPEND AS MUCH TIME AS YOU CAN WITH YOUR HOST FAMILY! It is most important in your FIRST couple weeks. It is really necessary that you spend some of your free time with your new host family. You have to get to know them and almost more important they have to get to know you. You are the person who will be responsible for their children a many
hours almost every day.
2. Have dinner with your family when you can; help family setup and help clean up dishes and kitchen after eating.
3. Participate in social events with your family because you are part of this family, not just because you ‘re working. Join in, talk, and help out! Attend family events (holidays, birthdays, and special celebrations) with your host family.
4. Enjoy the little things about your year, don’t only focus on the big things.
5. Show family and children that you care about them. Asking "What can I do to help?"
6. Having good hygiene is important: keep your self clean, shower daily, wear deodorant daily
7. Set a good example for the children: make your bed daily, clean your room weekly, keep your clothes picked up.
8. Keep the bathroom you use clean. Clean this bathroom twice weekly.
9. Share your culture: talk about your country, teach the kids some of your language, songs, and games, and prepare some food
from your country.
10. Keep your car clean and neat. Respect your curfew and mileage limits. Don’t bring the car home without gas. Neither smoking nor drinking by anyone in the car.
11. When you go out for dinner with your host parents and you are not working, you should still be helping! This is family time and they are including you and buying your dinner. You can help the kids when their food comes, help entertain the kids while they are waiting, take turns taking them to the bathroom if they need, help them clean up after and again…. Say “thank you”.
About your House
1. You should always leave the house the same way you received it. Clean up after yourself and the kids throughout the day.
Put things away in the same place that you got them from.
2. You live here too, act like a real family member as you would in your own family. Examples: you could bring in the mail, take out the kitchen garbage, or bring in the empty garbage cans from the road.
3. Food: please eat all food in moderation and realize that food costs a lot of money. Drinking several glasses of juice a day or eating a whole carton of strawberries is sure to make your host parents unhappy.
4. Be quiet in the house: Be quiet when the kids are sleeping, be quiet when you are talking on the phone, be quiet when you have friends visiting, be quiet closing doors, closing drawers, etc.
5. Lock the doors when you come home and turn off the lights.
6. Do not give out any information about yourself, your family, or your home.
7. Do not visit inappropriate web sites, your host parents will know what web sites you go to.
8. Don’t download anything without asking host parents first, it’s not your computer!
9. If you have an accident or spill something in your room, please tell host parents immediately. They can help you remove the stain; stains not taken care of right away usually do become permanent.
10. Please do not leave empty dishes of glasses in your room. Any leftover food or drinks need to be disposed of immediately to
prevent bugs/insects. Do not leave food in your room.
11. Empty your garbage weekly.
12. Always close your windows when you leave the house in case it rains.
13. Turn your light off when you are not in your room…. Also with other rooms in the house
14. Be sure to turn off TV, stereo, curling iron, etc when you are not in your room.
15. Be aware that electric, gas and water can be costly and we don’t want to waste. Please… turn off lights and TV when you leave
a room, keep windows and outside doors closed when the heat and/or air conditioning is on. Do not leave the water running
when you are not using it.
HAVE YOU READ YOUR AU PAIR NOTEBOOK? GREAT, NOW READ IT AGAIN AND
RE-READ IT EVERY MONTH!
We spent a lot of time and thought putting this together for you, we hope you find it helpful. We want your year to be successful and a wonderful experience to last a lifetime.
TIPS FOR A SUCCESSFUL AU PAIR YEAR
Remember this is your chance to have the best year of your life. Try to keep a positive outlook towards the program. Do not criticize the differences in your cultures. Celebrate and learn from them.
Don’t be afraid to communicate with your Host Family and ask a lot of questions. The American culture is very open and communicative. If you are having difficulties they will expect you to talk to them about it
Attend all cluster meetings and establish a good relationship with your Local Coordinator and the other Au Pairs in your area.
Attend family events (holidays, birthdays, special celebrations) with your Host Family. The success of your relationship depends on your integration and ability to become a full fledged family member.
When you first arrive, your main priority should be to bond with the children. Try to engage the children and get to know them. The children will try to test you, because you are the new Au Pair. They will not know you, and it may take a while before they can truly trust you. Try to learn as much as possible about the children. What are their interests? What were their favorite activities with their last Au Pair or babysitter? It takes about a month for everyone to truly know each other and feel comfortable. Reassure the children that you like them and that they can trust you.
Talk to the Host Family about their methods of discipline. American families are against hitting their children. Many families use a discipline procedure called “time out.” This is where the child has to go to their room or sit in a special chair while they can calm down and think about why they are misbehaving.
Get to know the family. Ask the children about their friends. Help the children set up play dates. Familiarize yourself with the children’s friend’s parents.
Do not speak on the phone during working hours. Curtail phone calls to when you are off. Tell your friends and family that you are working and need to call them back when you are off duty. Children will get upset if you are speaking to your friends and not paying attention to them. Discuss phone rules with your Host Family.
Review all of the house rules with your Host Family. Do you have a curfew? Can you have visitors? Where can you drive the car? When do you they think would be a good time for youto take your vacation? Try to do this during your weekly meeting or at an agreed upon time.
Research the classes you would like to take as soon as possible after you arrive at your Host Family’s home. Ask your Local Coordinator for information on the types of courses other AuPairs have taken in the past.
Try to do as much as possible during your days off. Travel, visit local museums, go to thetheatre, attend sporting events, etc.
Try to keep your room and the children’s rooms neat. Ask the Host Family what household duties you are expected to help with such as emptying the dishwasher, taking out the garbage, etc. Remember that even though these might not be “Au Pair” duties, these are duties that you are expected to fulfill as a family member living in their house.
_____________________________________
I know it is alot of information, but as host parents we do expect DEPENDABLE childcare. Most of us DO treat the au pair with great respect, but mind you, you will be expected to get your hands dirty sometimes and that is just the way it is. Congratulations to any au pairs that grew up with maid service. Maid service or not, accepting a position where you are responsible to take care of a CHILD is your choice. Now keep the child safe, s/he doesn't know or care about your background only about you and how you treat them.
No one has mentioned the high cost of keeping your au pair happy - use of cell phones, internet, etc that they grow used to. If problems start happening, some families choose to ignore it in order to keep the au pair from taking it out on the children. How about the high emotional cost of dealing with some (not all) immature teenagers in the house? Being a beloved sister has to be earned, not just handed over.
dear marilyn,
I wish the LCC had a "letter" like that to give to the host parents about THEIR resposibilities when hiring an au pair...
they all know what we're supposed to do but they don't have a clue about what's their "to do" list besides paying us and the agency.
=/
Dear anonymous,
We are given rules on how to treat au pairs. We have a contract we have to follow and the company (for the most part) ensures we follow it. In large part, the LCCs are responsible for ensuring the families understand and follow the rules and attempt to listen to both sides of the story.
Au pairs are hired to watch children. Unfortunately, that is very important to families. And the letter states that host parents can be tired. And not treat the au pairs always like they want to be treated. But the au pairs should not wait for the families to read their minds and figure out what they want. Or figure out what rules they break because they don't like the rules.
Most families follow the contract rules (just like most au pairs do). So please don't assume we don't know what to do.
dear jennifer...
none contract will say: SAY THANK YOU, SAY PLEASE. (you want her to teach your kids how to be polite... what if the parents don't give the example?)
none contract will say: ASK ABOUT HOW HER DAY WAS
none contract will say: ASK IF SHE NEEDS HELP WITH HER PERSONAL LIFE
everybody knows that you all come home late from work... but the paretn's shouldn't forget that running, keeping alert, playing, going to school, driving around all day long also make people tired.
respect must come from both sides the same way that rules have to be followed by both sides.
Thank you for that reminder. Respect should be mutual.
Politeness should always be a key part of behaviour. Sometimes different cultures do not allow others to understand what is considered polite. And asking for help is not negative - it shows maturity. We don't know if anything is wrong if everytime we ask we get told the person is all right.
Au pairs work very hard, I am the first to admit. And you should feel appreciated. Sometimes I forget to say so, but that doesn't meant that the work is not appreciated.
What I don't like is for a person to hide behind her door and always make me have to make an effort to communicate. Only being spoken to when somebody wants something (like the use of a car) is quite irritating and makes me feel that I am being taken advantage of. I don't want someone to live in my house like a hotel. I want to know what my child did during the day. I shouldn't have to ask 20 questions to get 2 sentences of answers. I don't like being yelled at because someone doesn't initially get what she wants. I want something of a relationship. I want to get to know the person I hired and share America with her.
dear jennifer...
sorry if your experience is not being good.
have you ever talked about this issue with her?
if you had why do you still working with her? you are not obligated to stay with her.
and please, don't generalize... if your au pair uses your house as a hotel, don't think we all do.
if she doesn't like talking to you, don't assume all the other au pairs don't enjoy chatting with their host mothers...
my host left home late for work several times because our "morning chat" she didn't like to go down to my room late night when she returned home but the next morning we used to talk...
don't forget that for some cultures being quiet is a quality... be careful with the cultural barreer when choosing an au pair. if you're not willing to ignore such differences consider hiring someone with a culture closer to yours.
and here.. just between us... if she is being rude why didn't you fire her? do you like when people talk louder with you?
=]
I would like to respond to anonymous who wished that the aupair had a letter like mine to show the host parents on how to trat the au pair. We do get letters. We are advised on how to make you feel comfortable when you first arrive. How long it may take for the au pair to adjust and so on. I want to let you know that none of my au pairs had cars. We are in walking distance to shopping, buses, trains, universities and so on. The au pairs that took the program seriously were able to use the facilities in the neighborhood and see their friends and take care of their personal things without a car and it worked out beautifully. Also, on the other side, there were many times I drove them to meet friends, I allowed friends to stay at my house, including holidays and drove them around as well. I did not mind b/c I felt there was a mutual respect between us. For the ones that didn't work out, signs were: not attending children's functions while on duty, getting up late for work therefore making me late, trying to get off work 1 hour early on a daily basis leaving my son full of urine and me finding him naked on the floor b/c she doesn't want to turn on the bath water, and so on.
I hope things work out for you.
Dear Anonymous,
I want to point out that the reason I posted what I did above was to show that there are 2 sides to a story. The LCC did a good job showing your side, I wanted to give host parents the same.
I also want to let you know that the LCC's throughly investigate the host families, their backgrounds the come to make sure the house is big enough, they ask what the duties will be before the Host Parents get to look at applications. Then when the au pair arrives at the house and the LCC comes to visit for the first time they tell you the au pair's rights in front of the au pair, but never is there any mention made as to what the host family expects out of the aupair.
I understand that you are new to this country and it is a big adjustment culturally. Americans move very fast and usually take no breaks. When my family came to America, (parents) they gave up all their worldly possessions. My mother cried for the first 3 years and didn't see her family for the next 20. Now we have a decent life and we see the family back home every once in a while...My point is you have a choice and you have access to your family. Now there are phone cards, internet and other means of communication. You should ask your mother how she felt taking care of you when you were young to see if she also had bad days.
I'm sure she had good and bad. I'm sure that it is very difficult for you to adjust culturally and living in a different house. The children also aren't accustom to you and your culture either. You have to give them a chance and it's up to you to make that chance happen. You can't leave the family everytime someone doesn't say thank you (I always did). Children don't always either. I remember observing my former aupair with my son. Many a time he asked for something and forgot to say please. She would always say, "I didn't hear you, what did you say?" Perfect, I thought. I think it's up to you to establish reasonable ground rules with the children and be an example yourself.
Marilyn
I am responding to Anonymous' questions concerning my recent bad au pair experiences.
- The current aupair is not as bad as her predecessor. We found out over a period of 4 months that that girl couldn't tell the truth and that she was endangering our daughter with her indifference. Au Pair Care allowed us to make her leave our house since it was a matter of trust. The currentau pair annoys the host parents, but treats the child well. The child loves her. We only have one month remaining with her.
- We have mentioned the not talking to her quite a few times. And we have mentioned other issues (like not leaving dirty dishes in her room) a number of times. She told me she has nothing to talk to me about. She only comes out of her room and talks to us if she wants the car. She doesn't like rules and tries to get away with not following them. Now, we only enforce certain rules in an attempt to minimize conflict. For example, we don't enforce the 'be up and dressed time' on her work days. She is always sleeping when we get ready to leave - we have to wake her up and tell her we are going.
- We do understand other au pairs are not like her. We had a wonderful au pair from Germany that we are still in contact with. We are looking forward to our next au pair arriving in September.
- I understand some cultures are quiet. But she doesn't even want to give us 5 minutes of how her day went with our child. If we ask questions, she answers with as few words as possible. She kind of just sits there like a lump. But she says she wants to learn how to speak English but won't practice it.
- Our next au pair is more like us I think. Due to the past year of emotional trauma from managing 2 au pairs, I think that if the next one doesn't work out, that will be the last time we get an au pair. The emotional and expenses involved with an au pair (we tend to treat then well including taking them on super nice vacations) are too great to keep utilizing. I am tired of trying to figure out how best to communicate with au pairs that have different agendas than mine.
sorry to hear that jennifer...
my neighbor had 3 au pairs and they 3 mistreated her kids.
she came to my host to ask what's the secret to choose a great au pair since we had such an amazing experience.
just because it didn't work for you it doesn't mean the program is not good.
you should review your pre-requisites and ask your lcc for some tips to choose your next au pair...
good luck.
=]
I think I have a constructive comment for au pair care. My current au pair wants to extend in the U.S, but not with us. A potential host mother that has been talking with her about the possibility called me at work today. Apparently, the LCCs made it sound difficult to interview current host families about au pairs attempting to extend in the US but transferring families. She indicated that it might not be allowed. However, I, as a host mother would be interested, at a minimum, to get the family's impressions as to why the au pair is leaving and to get insight into the au pair's performance and life while with that family. I had to write a recommendation for mine. So, why doesn't the company have a recommendation/reference form for au pairs desiring to extend in the US?
Dear Lynn,
Do the family a favor and do NOT reccommend this au pair whether or not she seems better than your family. Did you know that it costs the family an extra $20 a week to the au pair in addition to what you are paying them. That's $1000 at the end of the year. Plus if she doesn't like your family why would she change her attitude for year 2? It's time for her to go home. Don't dump her on another family. It's not fair to them.******
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From my long conversation with the host mom, I don't think she will be hiring our current au pair. I don't in my heart believe she will change. I wish I had known how she was. I wouldn't hire her knowing what I know now. I believe she thought the family truly wanted her. But I attempted to honestly answer her questions. She's a poor driver, has enough problems with one child (she would have four with the new family), and doesn't like to follow the rules because she wants to be independent. I wouldn't mind paying her extra if she was worth it, but she's not worth it.)
Dear Lynn,
I'm sorry about your disappointing experience with your au pair. Unfortunately, no matter how much host moms get accused of being impersonal, your letter shows that you were disappointed that she did not want to blend in wit your family. Many times au pairs say they can drive, but they can't. I had one staying at my house (not my au pair) between families and she was just taking driving lessons and then telling her potential families she was a good driver--not. When they are called to the task of doing something that they claim they have experience in such as cooking simple meals or changing diapers they get scared and that is when the trouble starts. I spent more sleepless work nights worried about hurting their feelings than how my children were doing as a result of APC not checking references. There is a reason why the program was originally one year long.
Glad to hear yours won't be staying another year.
Following rules doen't mean you are not independent. It just means that you can go with the flow and surrivive among the population around you. Independence is when a person is able to make sound judgements that will benefit themselves and not hurt the people around them. When my children visit someone's house I tell them houserule's rule. When friends come to my house I tell them they have to follow my rules. Just as a muture independent au pair should do. Respect the house rules. Adolescents get upset, not grown ups! My aupairs have always been greatful for the use of my phone and computer, but I have met some that expected it and weren't greatful. Those were the ones who had to buy their own phone and go to the library to use the computer (not my aupairs, thank God!)
The immature au pairs don't realize that independence usually comes with a price. They want to do what they want when they want, especially if it is with other people's stuff. It was easy for my recent au pair to say I want independence, but she's not really paying for anything. I especially like it when you know they are skirting the rules (they don't tell you), but they haven't figured out you see the signs. And I have learned that when you tell them things and they nod the head, they may or may not understand what you just said. It's not just a language barrier. Some don't wake up so well in the morning.
Oh, well, only 3 weeks to go. Thank God - I feel like hitting her sometimes to see if she's still alive when she is in the car with me. I think she is torced off. But won't tell me. She is going on vacation and waited until the day before to tell us when she's arriving back home. She didn't like us saying she may have to make other arrangements for coming back from the airport. But that is what she gets for not getting with us in advance. It is not all about HER.
I apologize for my last outburst.
The last two au pairs are very 'me' oriented. They think of themselves first. Like the one we took on a cruise. We asked her to watch our 2 year old for an hour while we could go do something. She asked - can I watch her while I play table tennis? This girl was very competitive, and I know that she couldn't watch our toddler and play at the same time. She did that multiple times and I ended up letting her play because I knew she would play when she wasn't suppose to - so didn't work for a while. And the immature au pairs don't realize the importance of asking questions - I lost two toasters because one girl but cheese on bread and toasted it. I didn't appreciate the 12AM fire alarm. But I did find out ADT does monitor our alarm.
I wish more of the au pairs would realize honesty is the best policy sometimes. In her application, one wrote she was a great swimmer, but was too frightened of water to go swim with dolphins in a shallow pool (that was fun to find out. Even admitting if one broke the rules is difficult, but if caught and asked, one should admit it. This girl's first instinct was to lie. My LCC said that is typical behavior for that region of Europe. The girl never realized that honest engenders trust. Once we lost trust in her, we could no longer employ her. I have nightmares about what she did to my girl - luckily she has no memory of that time. She used to brag to other au pairs about her daily lack of work activities. Now, she is in the country (she didn't complete the program) illegally and we still get mail for her.
I believe the company should have dropped her off at the airport, given her a ticket and made sure she left the country. We give enough to them to do so.
Please remember that you "host" an au pair, you don't "hire" her. You may rematch, but you may not "fire" her. It is up to the agency whether or not the au pair may rematch of if she will be sent home. Any family that tells an au pair that they will send her home is out of line.
It is also up to the agency whether or not a family will be allowed to host an au pair.
Again, you must respect each other mutually. The host family must invest the first month going over everything again and again.
Always remain calm and patient.
Never raise your voice to an au pair.
Never use obsceneties when talking to your au pair.
Treat her exactly the way you would want to be treated.
Always talk about the little things that might be bothering you before they become huge issues.
If you are having marital difficulties, then postpone hosting an au pair until after you have reconciled or separated.
If you have had three bad experiences in a row with hosting an au pair, then this program is probably not for you.